What The Hell Am I Doing?

I know it’s been awhile since I have posted any craziness, and the simplest explanation is… Bitches be crazy.


I completely understand I am the one ultimately responsible for the outcome of various circumstances in my life. Every choice we make directly affects every single outcome. We have more power over our lives than most realize. I’m not saying it’s our fault when all bad things happen to us. I am saying however, we simply have more control than we either realize or are about to admit. It’s hard sometimes to know (and really know) we are in a shitty place in life directly influenced or caused by a decision or series of decisions WE MADE. I have no problem taking responsibility for my choices. Like others, I also struggle with the shitty occurrences I honestly do not believe I deserve or ever deserved.

My grandmother always said our family was cursed. I’m not so sure there is an actual curse, but I can definitely see how anyone could form that opinion. All families experience tragedy. Unfortunately, some experience a shit ton of it, while others sail through life relatively unscathed. It seems unfair. I hold on to the idea that I am only equipped with the limited knowledge a human being can grasp in our current form. Metaphysically, anything is possible. Perhaps the tragedies happen to us because we are here on this planet to learn certain things. Perhaps even, we are all here to learn different things relative to each individual soul.

My patience and tolerance of others is tested on a daily basis. Is this because I am mentally ill and anti-social or could it be my soul came to this planet wanting or needing to learn the virtues of patience and tolerance? I firmly believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe for me it’s dual reasons. Mental illness as well as my souls purpose.

The confusion within this mindfuck, is in the actual learning process. Sometimes stuff jumps out at me, flailing it’s arms and barking like a seal. Most of the time, I don’t have any fucking clue what the hell is happening and why the hell it’s happening to me, until so far into the shit storm it has become hindsight. It is never too late to change the course of your life though.

At this point in my crazy life, the only thing I know for certain is that something has to change because my life as it is right now, is not working for me at all. I am very unhappy. I have all the answers, I know I do. The solutions are all horribly difficult for me and of course they are. I have learned in life the things we need the most are the most challenging to attain. My solutions might seem like a cakewalk to some people, but for me the solutions seem impossible most of the time. If all of this was easy I wouldn’t value the positive results I get nearly as much. Anything acquired through hard work and sacrifice we naturally have a deeper appreciation for. I hate the process. I hate it, hate it, hate it.

I am not sure exactly how anything is going to turn out. I do know I will do what’s right by myself eventually and I will come to the conclusion I am meant to come to. I have faith in that. Right now I am going to relax and make note of what I know I have immediate control over. As my mother always says, ” You can eat an entire elephant, you just can’t eat it all at once.” I am starting on the ass of the elephant, I am sure of this. After I get this heaping helping of elephant ass, I’m praying the next piece of elephant is little easier to eat. I can only hope.

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