What Am I Supposed To Do Now?

I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel my mind drifting from reality into a dark place it hasn’t been to in a long time.

I need my family right now. My sister says I need “tough love”. So I am alone.

I wonder how she would feel if after her husband was missing for hours, she was told he jumped off a bridge? Then 2 years later, coming up on 72 hours of her boyfriend’s disappearance, not knowing if he’s alive or dead?

I can tell you how I feel. TOTALLY FUCKING ALONE.

I have never felt so alone in my entire life. I understand my family not agreeing with my choices. I understand their choice to not enable my choices. I’m not asking for money. All I want is their presence. I want my mom to hold my hand and tell me everything will be ok. I want my sister to hug me and tell me she’s here for me.

I’m stranded in my apartment since my car is missing with my boyfriend. I’m sure the police are doing what they can, but this waiting thing is making me feel like I’m going insane.

The seconds feel like minutes, and the minutes feel like hours. Time has lost all meaning and the last couple of days seem like a lifetime of sorrow and anxiety. I have small moments when I don’t even want to be alive anymore. I don’t want to kill myself, I just wish I could pass away in my sleep and end this pain.

I never thought I would feel like this again… Isn’t once enough for a lifetime? I waited almost 10 hours to find out my husband was dead. I’ve been waiting almost 72 this time and the torture is so intense I feel like the feeling alone could destroy me.

Nothing makes me feel better. Music reminds me of Jason or Keith. I can’t focus on a movie or book. Writing is the only thing that passes time, yet all I seem to be able to write about is this.

No one wants to read this.

If I have already lost you dear readers, it’s alright. Click here for something more positive and uplifting. Seriously, go ahead, click it. I’ll wait.

Don’t you feel better? I do, a little.


  1. Biya Bajwah says:



  2. Will be thinking of you during this time of such great anxiety.


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