I have been dealing with so much trauma, and I am having a hard time processing it.
It’s so strange how one can be surrounded by loving, supportive people, and still feel completely alone in the world.
About 2 weeks after Jason died, I had a meltdown that was pretty severe. I was hyperventilating, panicking. I said, “I just want to talk to someone who has been through this. Because I don’t know how to do this.” My mama softly said, “Your grandma.”
My grandma has been gone for 17 years, but the moment my mom reminded me of my grandmother’s history, I began to calm down. My grandfather died by suicide when my mama was 8 years old. Years after his death, my grandmother had a boyfriend who also died by suicude. She went through it twice, and she made it through.
I feel a connection to her that I didn’t have before. Like we’re in a club that no one wants to join, but here we are.
I still don’t understand how this could happen twice, as I’m sure my grandma didn’t understand either. My grandma and I are different in the way that she never discussed anything with us about her husband, or her boyfriend. She never remarried, and did not date. She gave that up.
It helps me to talk about it. It helps me to process what has happened, and trying to understand the effects the trauma has on me. I get overwhelmed easily, I can’t handle loud noises, I have vivid nightmares. Honestly, there are too many symptoms to name them all. I’m clean from drugs, and looking at situations while clean, is a whole new experience. I have to face the situation now.
The truth is, I know I hold the key to my happiness. It is all up to me what happens. We stray from our path sometimes, and bad things and tragedies happen as a result. I have to start caring about Sarah more than I care about others.
I feel selfish typing that last line. However, if I don’t practice self- care, I’m not capable of being good for anyone. My grandma picked herself up, and made an arrangement with Mama to live together and help raise me and my sister. I had 19 years of being raised by those 2 vivacious women. My Grandma put everything she had into her family. It kept her focus on something else, rather than the tragedies of her past.
I looked up at the night sky and talked to my grandma, and I feel she is telling me to put my focus on my family. They will help me get through this.
I’m not really alone…
There are a couple things I will do differently than my grandma. First, I am going to face these traumatic experiences head on. Also, I won’t turn my back on the possibility of finding love again. I love being in love. I truly hope it happens again one day. Until then, I need to focus on my family, and practicing self-care.
I totally got this.