My Body, My Image, Fuck It All

You know those days when you just feel like shit? I know them all too well. 

Normally, I’m okay with my body. I’ve always been a big girl, but I went to the doctor recently and was informed that I gained 10 pounds while recovering from a hysterectomy. 

I am not okay with this. 

I’ve been a “big” girl for a while now, and I have been okay with that. I have also maintained the same weight for an extended period of time. So to gain 10 pounds is huge. 

It means a size up in my clothes, a chubbier face in pictures. It means a downward spiral of my self esteem. Worst of all it means, I eat more because, what’s the point? 

I must get out of this way of thinking.

I just did a really bad thing… The “miracle drug” that was on Shark Tank for losing weight, well I ordered that. There was a deal where I could buy 3 bottles for $34.99. Only when I checked out, the total came to $248.00. Obviously, I miscalculated this advertisement.

The problem with this is that I used my mom’s bank card. So now I have to tell her that my negative self image caused me to make a ginormous mistake. How do I do that?

We all want to be thin and not just because Hollywood tells us we should be. It feels better to be thin. We have more energy, more attention from the opposite sex, and have an overall, better outlook on our lives.

So, what do I do about this? 

Start a weight loss journey? 

Sounds like a big order.

But, I also know that how I feel about myself is important. So that means I should do this. 

Losing weight for me is not just a vanity issue but a health issue. My blood pressure was 262 over 122 at my doctor’s appointment. This disease of obesity is going to kill me if I don’t put a stop to it. 

So here we go, my journey. 

Fuck.

I want a Twinkie just thinking about this shit, but hell, I look at a cheeseburger and gain 5 pounds and I can’t afford to gain more weight. 

The only option is to lose weight. 

I can do this.

Now, my mom’s card I charged. 

Fuck.

I can only hope she shows mercy on my plight, and I pray to God that the Shark Tank people actually have a good product. I know that if it actually works that my mother will forgive me. 

I’m hitting the YMCA and doing water aerobics for hopefully even better results. Fuck it, here we go. 

Published by

Sarah Jones

My name is Sarah Jones and I am a writer, storyteller, and advocate for mental health, addiction, and social justice. I began this website at the urging of my boyfriend Jason Campbell, in January 2019. I was having a tough time processing my grief after my husband, Keith Jones, died by suicide October 23, 2017. Jason thought I should share my life experiences to help other sufferers but mostly, to help myself. He was on to something... Sadly, tragedy struck again and Jason died by suicide January 22, 2020. Not a day goes by that I don't think about the two loves of my life that I was so fortunate to have. I hope that by fighting the stigma of mental illness and addiction, I can honor their memory and make them proud, wherever they are, out there among the stars...

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