“Anxiety-Ridden” Is A Way Of Life

Anxiety has been a big part of my life for a long time. I don’t really know what it’s like to not be anxious to some degree. It’s normal for me, but even with that being the case, it sucks.

Beginning as a little girl, I was sensitive to everything around me, I still am. I am what is known as an empath. Some people don’t believe empaths exist but I’m walking, talking, living and breathing proof of the empath’s existence.

This is the official definition from the American Empath Association: An empath is someone who understands the mental or emotional states of others in a way that defies conventional science and psychology. Empaths have the ability to sense the feelings, thoughts, and energies of people, plants, places, or objects. In addition to sensing, empaths absorb the energy of those around them. Empaths can also use their abilities to help others by imagining themselves in someone else’s situation and connecting with them on a deep level. https://urbandictionary.com

It’s not a gift, trust me. If it is a gift, who do I talk to about returns because I’m pretty sure this is not what I ordered. It sucks! I feel everything and everyone around me. Sometimes it’s very difficult to differentiate other people’s feelings from my own. It’s maddening.

One can imagine I’m sure, the amount of anxiety this little “gift” causes in my life, especially if I am in a crowded place. Imagine feeling 50, 100, 200+ different people’s emotions during a single trip to WalMart.

There are 17 different types of Empath according to The American Empath Association. I have traits of 3 types; emotional, claircognizant, and telepathic.

Dumbfounded guys saying

You might have already known about emotional empaths as it’s what most people think of when referring to an empath. I feel what other people feel.

Claircognizant means I can intuitively sense others intentions, often being able to tell if someone is lying. It’s the type I dislike the most. I can’t tell you how much denial I have had simply because I don’t want to be hurt or I don’t want to believe the sinister intentions of others.

Telepathic is what some call a “mind-reader”. I began to show telepathic abilities as a very small child. By the time I was 4 years old, I read my mother’s mind quite often. I didn’t think it was strange because I didn’t know any different.

I have a vivid memory of reading my mother’s mind once. She was in the kitchen thinking about getting me a swing set for my upcoming birthday. I remember hearing her just as if she were speaking out loud. To me, there was talking while moving our mouths, and also talking while saying nothing. That was normal. When I told her that I, in fact, would like a swing set, she picked her jaw up off the floor.

Jaw dropping polar bear

The telepathy isn’t anywhere as powerful as it was when I was a kid but I still pick things up randomly.

Mental illness and anxiety go hand in hand. When you are an empath as well as mentally ill, the anxiety can often be unbearable.

I go to great lengths to avoid situations which I know are likely to cause anxiety. For instance, I haven’t stepped foot inside Walmart in about 6 months. My wonderful boyfriend does all the shopping, bless him.

It’s so difficult for me to go inside a crowded place that there have been many times I have left full grocery carts because I had to leave. Shopping, in general, is not fun for me. I always have to absent myself at least once and go outside. That has mainly been happening in the past 5 or 6 years.

I am in no way belittling the anxiety of those who are not empaths, so no hate mail, please. I know anxiety can be debilitating for anyone, no matter their “superpower”.

Not very many people know these things about me. I wasn’t ever comfortable talking about it before. I have always been scared of what people would think or if they would even believe me. At this point in my life, and with the amount of bullshit I have endured, I do not care anymore. Believe me or don’t. This is me. I’m weird.

I'm fucking crazy-kristin wigg

Deal with it. I have to…

My Emotional Freedom


A short time before Keith and I got married, I had a severe depressive episode and attempted to kill myself. Keith saved my life and I was transported to the hospital where I stayed a week, then to the nuthouse for a week.

Not many people know about that incident. It’s a time of my life I wish I could forget. However, I can’t escape it because it’s still a very real part of my every day existence. I struggle with suicidal ideation more than I like to admit.

My husband’s death changed my outlook on suicide for a short time, although I had hoped it would be permanent. Understanding what it’s like for the love of your life to simply, “check out”, made me despise suicide, and eventually led to me feeling very angry with my dead husband. I felt abandoned and was utterly shattered. My husband was gone almost a year when I met my boyfriend and I thought I was doing ok. I had no clue what was coming.

For some reason, the beginning of year two without Keith triggered something in me and I have been practically bedridden ever since. That was in November.

It’s been 8 months and I have rarely left the confines of my bedroom. I feel like I am a slave to my emotions and cannot control them. I cry at the drop of a hat, then I can turn around and be as mean as a striped snake. That’s not me… I’m not mean, I’ve never been mean.

Today I was laying in bed feeling particularly sorry for myself when I had a thought. I am going to take back my emotional freedom. It’s mine to do with what I wish and I want freedom. I feel so silly because I have known all along that I have the power to create emotional harmony within myself but the epiphany had to bitch slap me because that’s how I like it. I like the rough stuff. I’m taking the power back damn it. I’m fucking this duck!

My poor, poor boyfriend. Why he loves me or even likes me is a mystery to me. He gets incredibly frustrated with me and I don’t blame him. If I’m alone with me for more than five minutes I’m wanting to pull the escape hatch myself but I can’t escape me.

He doesn’t really understand mental illness and although I’m trying to help him, I’m having a breakdown at the same time. So imagine me reading a well written article explaining how to train your Manic depressive, in a shirt, no pants, wild hair, possibly a hint of mustard on my lip and stopping every couple of minutes to ugly cry. It’s not pretty. He doesn’t run for the hills either. He really listens to me blabber on and tries to understand. He loves me and assures me all the time he is not going anywhere.

I need to get my emotional freedom back and realize my man is not leaving. He’s definitely not leaving the planet until the universe calls for him. I deserve happiness. I have to tell myself that over and over. I deserve happiness…

My Depression

I HATE DEPRESSION…
My mental illness is anything but quiet. In spending a short time with me you would start noticing strange things. The first thing you might notice is my inability to leave my room. My boyfriend has had friends over several times before I met them. And I was home. I often wonder how he explains this to people. He probably tells people he’s trapped in this crazy hellhole with me against his will and to please help him escape! He’s the “Paul Sheldon” and I’m the “Annie Wilkes” in this scenario. In fact, my boyfriend has the ability to piss me off to the point where I could probably break his legs to keep him from escaping if he catches me in the wrong mood. (Perhaps that should be struck from this post)
My symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder are at times so severe it’s terrifying for me. I can only imagine how horrible it can be for him or anyone else in my little world. The symptoms are usually the same when I am in the throes of this mental state.
Lethargy
No appetite, or I eat everything in site.
Cranky
Weepy
Panicky
Hopeless
Negative mindset
Memory loss
Ability to fly off the fucking handle (I’m sure this is my boyfriends favorite).
In short, I am a wonderful person to be around.

I’m a mess right now. My meds aren’t working (if I remember to take them), I have been avoiding my therapist along with the rest of my mental health team, my family and I aren’t really speaking right now, and my house is a disaster. I feel myself unraveling. It’s a horrible situation only worsening with every passing week.
The worst part of this episode right now is how incredibly overwhelmed I feel. This feeling only gets worse due to my inability to do anything. Things keep piling on. I go further into debt, my house gets messier, dirtier, and I avoid everyone, including my children. It gets to the point that it’s embarrassing to reach out because it’s been so long. I’m ashamed. The shame adds to my downward spiral and leads to the mother of all shitty feelings. GUILT… I feel like the worlds most awful mother. I should be able to pull myself up by my bootstraps and face my life. So why can’t I? How can I be aware of what I need to do yet be so powerless to do anything about it? If anyone figures this out, let a bitch know.
I really need to find a part-time job somewhere. This brings a whole new set of stress and anxiety. What if I simply cannot do it? The thought of failing at a little part-time job horrifies me. I’m not sure I can handle another failure. What I would love to do is write for pay! That seems unattainable since I basically journal my thoughts and feelings for the world. I’m not really writing anything of real substance. I’m so afraid to fail that I do nothing and that leaves me with my second most terrible feeling. Uselessness…
I have to get it together, and I know I will. Thank God I have the love and devotion of this man. I don’t know what I would do without him. So, to all of you suffering right now and wallowing in your own bullshit, know that you are not alone. We will get better and these feelings are temporary. Repeat that to yourself over, and over again. It will get better. It has to, right??

What The Hell Am I Doing?


I know it’s been awhile since I have posted any craziness, and the simplest explanation is… Bitches be crazy.

Bitches.be.crazy.

I completely understand I am the one ultimately responsible for the outcome of various circumstances in my life. Every choice we make directly affects every single outcome. We have more power over our lives than most realize. I’m not saying it’s our fault when all bad things happen to us. I am saying however, we simply have more control than we either realize or are about to admit. It’s hard sometimes to know (and really know) we are in a shitty place in life directly influenced or caused by a decision or series of decisions WE MADE. I have no problem taking responsibility for my choices. Like others, I also struggle with the shitty occurrences I honestly do not believe I deserve or ever deserved.

My grandmother always said our family was cursed. I’m not so sure there is an actual curse, but I can definitely see how anyone could form that opinion. All families experience tragedy. Unfortunately, some experience a shit ton of it, while others sail through life relatively unscathed. It seems unfair. I hold on to the idea that I am only equipped with the limited knowledge a human being can grasp in our current form. Metaphysically, anything is possible. Perhaps the tragedies happen to us because we are here on this planet to learn certain things. Perhaps even, we are all here to learn different things relative to each individual soul.

My patience and tolerance of others is tested on a daily basis. Is this because I am mentally ill and anti-social or could it be my soul came to this planet wanting or needing to learn the virtues of patience and tolerance? I firmly believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe for me it’s dual reasons. Mental illness as well as my souls purpose.

The confusion within this mindfuck, is in the actual learning process. Sometimes stuff jumps out at me, flailing it’s arms and barking like a seal. Most of the time, I don’t have any fucking clue what the hell is happening and why the hell it’s happening to me, until so far into the shit storm it has become hindsight. It is never too late to change the course of your life though.

At this point in my crazy life, the only thing I know for certain is that something has to change because my life as it is right now, is not working for me at all. I am very unhappy. I have all the answers, I know I do. The solutions are all horribly difficult for me and of course they are. I have learned in life the things we need the most are the most challenging to attain. My solutions might seem like a cakewalk to some people, but for me the solutions seem impossible most of the time. If all of this was easy I wouldn’t value the positive results I get nearly as much. Anything acquired through hard work and sacrifice we naturally have a deeper appreciation for. I hate the process. I hate it, hate it, hate it.

I am not sure exactly how anything is going to turn out. I do know I will do what’s right by myself eventually and I will come to the conclusion I am meant to come to. I have faith in that. Right now I am going to relax and make note of what I know I have immediate control over. As my mother always says, ” You can eat an entire elephant, you just can’t eat it all at once.” I am starting on the ass of the elephant, I am sure of this. After I get this heaping helping of elephant ass, I’m praying the next piece of elephant is little easier to eat. I can only hope.

My Love


So my man is not perfect by any means. In fact, we have had our share of issues since the beginning of us. One thing I am absolutely certain of however, is that he and I are meant to be together. There have been many crazy coincidences since we met that cannot be ignored. I met a woman recently that has known my man since he was very little and this woman also knows my family including my mom and favorite uncle. This is just one of many things that is a little creepy.

I have a “pod” theory. I believe we all have a “pod”. It includes people we know or have yet to know and that we are meant to know. I believe we have more than likely lived many lifetimes with these same souls with their involvement in our lives varying from lifetime to lifetime. I think we keep finding each other over and over again because we each fill a purpose for someone or more than likely, multiple people. Meeting Jason in this lifetime has taught me innumerable lessons and also given me a love I never thought I would ever have again.

When I lost my husband Keith in October 2017, I was convinced he had been my greatest love and I would never find that again. I was ok with ending up an old spinster with 100 cats. I thought I saw my future so clearly. I was so, so wrong. Jason came into my life unexpectedly and the love that followed being even more unexpected. I was in the throws of grief and he helped me in ways no one else could have. We have had problems though and it’s been a tough road at times but it was bound to be. He was newly divorced and I was newly widowed. We weren’t ready for what was happening yet there it was. With these life changing events right under us, there have naturally been challenges. The awesome thing is that we continue to thrive and grow together as a couple, as friends and as a family that we are creating together. He is my family.

I have been struggling lately with trust. It’s made me clingy and weird and I have hated myself for acting this way. I have come to a realization that I trust him 100 percent with my life, my heart and my soul, and this fear I have is based on actions of his, which were based on his own fears. The most important thing is that not only is he still here with me, but he chooses me every day and I choose him. I have every confidence that our upcoming marriage will be strong and last because we have already survived the impossible together and survived the even further impossible before we ever met. We are simply survivors. I can’t think of anyone I would rather do the rest of life with other than him and thank God I don’t have to think about that. My man is here with me and here is where he will always be. It feels good to know that and really know.

Yay for Social Security!


So I have excellent news… I finally received my first social security disability payment! It couldn’t have come at a better time. Yesterday was my boyfriend’s birthday and we were flat broke. He went to Ihop for free breakfast and gave it to me because I hadn’t eaten in 24 hours. He went to Firehouse Subs for a free sandwich for lunch and split it with me. We were both feeling pretty crappy and then he suggested I check my bank account since I’m expecting disability any time. Well, I didn’t think it would be there. I assumed I would receive an award letter first. Plus I just checked the social security website a few days ago, crickets… I called the bank ready for disappointment, instead I was shocked and thrilled to find actual funds in my bank account. So we ate, and then ate some more. It’s a beautiful thing. I don’t want pity, I just wanted to be recognized as disabled. Finally I have that. So to any of you out there struggling with social security, DO NOT GIVE UP. I started this whole adventure in 2013! It took 6 years. Ridiculous, yes, but finally my hard work and patience paid off. Keep at it. It gets better.

My Husband’s Suicide



This is something I have been waiting for the right time to write about. It’s hard to go back to that day. Every time I tell the story it takes me there. I can still feel the dread as the sun went down and he had been missing for hours. I knew something was wrong…

It was October 23, 2017. I woke up in a panic, I had overslept. I got ready as fast as I could, I had 45 minutes to be at the church. Keith was quiet which wasn’t odd for him. He was often quiet. He had bipolar I disorder, the most severe. I usually did a check-in with him in the morning. I asked him how he was feeling and if he had anything he wanted to tell me. He was usually pretty honest. He would tell me if he was thinking about suicide. He had had 3 suicide attempts in his life and I had been present for the second and came home and found him the third time. I had no warnings then I don’t know why I thought I would get one again, but I did. I didn’t check in that day. A decision that still haunts me. I didn’t even have time for our ritualistic hug and kiss before I ran out the door. I patted him on the top of his head and said, ” I love you, I’ll see you later.” He said, “Bye dear.” That was it, the last words we ever spoke to one another.

The class I was facilitating ended at 2:00. I stayed late to clean up from the food and visit with a few people. I called Keith to let him know I would be late but he didn’t answer. I drove home thinking what a beautiful day it was and that I should see if Keith wanted to go to the park and read, maybe take the dog. I walked into the apartment, it was still and quiet. I didn’t get my usual greeting at the door from him or the dog. I walked to the bedroom and the dog was in his kennel. I thought maybe Keith had gone for a walk. His cell phone was sitting on the kitchen counter, I just rolled my eyes. He often forgot it although he had gotten better about it. It bothered me that he didn’t leave a note, he always left a note. I waited about 30 minutes and when he didn’t show up I started making phone calls. I called his mom, dad and case manager with the facility that provided his mental healthcare. No one had seen him or heard from him.

I tried not to panic that afternoon as time rolled on. I got in my car and drove around looking for him. He would be unmistakable. He was 6’4″ and very thin and had a particular gait. I couldn’t find him. I was starting to panic. It was after 4:00. Keith’s mom decided to talk to the police. They said they would send someone out to my apartment soon. When it got dark I was a wreck. Where could he be? I knew he was on foot because I had the only car. He should have been back. My mom came over and then Keith’s dad. We all knew something was wrong but no one wanted to let our thoughts go to the worst possible thing. I put a chair out by the curb in the parking lot and sat watching the street so I could see him if he walked up. He never came.

The police showed up about 1:00 am. There was a lot of them so I knew it couldn’t be good news. We went inside and I sat in Keith’s chair, the one he was in the last time I saw him. The chaplain began telling me about a man earlier in the day that had jumped off of the bridge over the creek turnpike off of Yale Ave., and then he dropped the bombshell. The man was my husband. He had walked about 5 miles to that bridge. All I remember next was Keith’s mom on the ground in front of me holding onto me for dear life and not being able to believe what I had just heard. I even asked the chaplain if Keith was dead. It just wouldn’t register in my mind that he was gone.

The police followed us across town to Keith’s dad’s house and the police told him. He had left my house earlier in the night to get some sleep. I couldn’t go home. How could I? Keith’s shoes were by the door. His dictionary was by the couch where he could look up words quickly throughout the day. His toothbrush was in the holder in the bathroom. Traces of him were everywhere because he was still there, but he wasn’t. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that I would never see him again. I couldn’t be there. I went to my sister’s house to stay with her for a few days.

My life as I knew it ended that day. I knew I would never be the same. It wasn’t until I met my current boyfriend that I began moving toward a new life. I’m grateful for that. The pain I have endured during my life with Keith in trying to keep him alive and the pain of losing him was almost too much to bear. I miss him a lot. I’m sure I always will. He is ok now though I am certain of that. It is the ones left behind that continue to suffer…

A Big Nasty Rut


So I am officially in a rut. A life-rut. My world has become so small and it seems so insignificant. What am I doing? Nothing. Every day I do the same thing. Nothing. It’s exhausting doing nothing. I never have energy. Recently I was asked by my therapist, “what are your goals?” Hmmm… I can’t decide what to eat 99% of the time. I have no fucking clue what my goals are. My number one goal as of right this second, is to get out of the house. It will happen come hell or high water or else I will be hanging my boyfriend up by his toes. If that happens I will be sure to take pictures.

My life-rut has a soundtrack. Ani DiFranco being number one. She speaks to me. It’s like there is a little window into my soul that she peeks into and then writes her songs based on what she sees in there. It’s cool when you connect to a form of art in a way that rocks you to your core. This is my latest Ani song that gets me…

Grey

My affirmation for the day is… I WILL GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE. Even if it’s to the devils house (Wal-Mart). I am outta here! Stay classy Tulsa.

A Thousand Eyes Will Smolder With Jealousy While You Are Just Flying Past

Watch Video

Squint your eyes and look closer
I’m not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
And I’m beyond your peripheral vision
So you might want to turn your head
‘Cause someday you are gonna get hungry
And eat most of the words you just said
Both my parents taught me about good will
And I have done well by their names
Just the kindness I’ve lavished on strangers
Is more than I can explain
Still there’s many who’ve turned out their porch lights
Just so I would think they were not home
And hid in the dark of their windows
Till I’d passed and left them alone
God help you if you are an ugly girl
‘Cause too pretty is also your doom
‘Cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
For the prettiest girl in the room
And god help you if you are a phoenix
And you dare to rise up from the ash
A thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
While you are just flying past
And I’ve never tried to give my life meaning
By demeaning you
And I would like to state for the record
I did everything that I could do
I’m not saying that I’m a saint
I just don’t wanna live that way
No, I will never be a saint
But I will always say
Squint your eyes and look closer
I’m not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
And I’m beyond your peripheral vision
So you might wanna turn your head
‘Cause someday you might find you’re starving
And eating all of the words you said
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Ani Difranco

Get A Firm Grip Girl, Before You Let Go


Anticipate

Ani DiFranco

You are subtle as a window pane
Standing in my view
But I will wait for it to rain
So that I can see you
You call me up at night
When there’s no light passing through
And you think that I don’t understand
But I do

We don’t say everything
That we could
So that we can say later
Oh, you misunderstood
I hold my cards up
Close to my chest
I say what I have to
And I hold back the rest

‘Cause someone you don’t know
Is someone you don’t know
Get a firm grip, girl
Before you let go
For every hand extended
Another lies in wait
Keep your eye on that one
Anticipate

Dress down get out there
Pick a fight with the police
We will get it all on film
For the new release
Seems like everyone’s an actor
Or they’re an actor’s best friend
I wonder what was wrong to begin with
That they should all have to pretend

We lost sight of everything
When we have to keep checking our backs
I think we should all just smile
Come clean and relax

But he says, someone you don’t know
Is someone you don’t know
Get a firm grip, girl
Before you let go
For every hand extended
Another lies in wait
Keep your eye on that one
Anticipate

If there’s anything I’ve learned
All these years on my own
It’s how to find my own way there
Find my own way
My own way, my own way, my own way, my own way
My own way, my own way, my own way, my own way
My own way, my own way, my own way, my own way
My own way

You are subtle as a window pane
Standing in my view
But I will wait for it to rain
So that I can see you
You call me up at night
When there’s no light passing through
And you think that I don’t understand
But I do

Someone you don’t know
Is someone you don’t know
Get a firm grip, girl
Before you let go
For every hand extended
Another lies in wait
Keep your eye on that one
Anticipate