My Body, My Image, Fuck It All

You know those days when you just feel like shit? I know them all too well. 

Normally, I’m okay with my body. I’ve always been a big girl, but I went to the doctor recently and was informed that I gained 10 pounds while recovering from a hysterectomy. 

I am not okay with this. 

I’ve been a “big” girl for a while now, and I have been okay with that. I have also maintained the same weight for an extended period of time. So to gain 10 pounds is huge. 

It means a size up in my clothes, a chubbier face in pictures. It means a downward spiral of my self esteem. Worst of all it means, I eat more because, what’s the point? 

I must get out of this way of thinking.

I just did a really bad thing… The “miracle drug” that was on Shark Tank for losing weight, well I ordered that. There was a deal where I could buy 3 bottles for $34.99. Only when I checked out, the total came to $248.00. Obviously, I miscalculated this advertisement.

The problem with this is that I used my mom’s bank card. So now I have to tell her that my negative self image caused me to make a ginormous mistake. How do I do that?

We all want to be thin and not just because Hollywood tells us we should be. It feels better to be thin. We have more energy, more attention from the opposite sex, and have an overall, better outlook on our lives.

So, what do I do about this? 

Start a weight loss journey? 

Sounds like a big order.

But, I also know that how I feel about myself is important. So that means I should do this. 

Losing weight for me is not just a vanity issue but a health issue. My blood pressure was 262 over 122 at my doctor’s appointment. This disease of obesity is going to kill me if I don’t put a stop to it. 

So here we go, my journey. 

Fuck.

I want a Twinkie just thinking about this shit, but hell, I look at a cheeseburger and gain 5 pounds and I can’t afford to gain more weight. 

The only option is to lose weight. 

I can do this.

Now, my mom’s card I charged. 

Fuck.

I can only hope she shows mercy on my plight, and I pray to God that the Shark Tank people actually have a good product. I know that if it actually works that my mother will forgive me. 

I’m hitting the YMCA and doing water aerobics for hopefully even better results. Fuck it, here we go. 

My Spazzy Elf

Robbie came into my life unexpectedly. Last summer, my friend Shawna and I were out and about when she said, “Hey, we’re going to pick up my friend Robbie real fast and give him a ride. He’s cool, you’ll like him. Him and my brother went to school together.” 

“Okay”, I said. I was just along for the ride, grateful for the break from putting my apartment together. 

I’ll give a little back story for those who don’t know my life.

My boyfriend, Jason, shot himself in front of me, in our apartment January 22, 2020. I was forced to move out, but then covid came and there was no place to live. I stayed with friends until July when an apartment became available, finally. 

Now you’re caught up. 

As I was saying, I was grateful for a break from the daunting task of going through all of Jason and my belongings. 

Ugh, torture. 

I’m a pretty laid back chic, so when Shawna told me we were picking up this dude, I was cool with it. I thought to myself, “Hopefully he’s cute because I look amazing today.” I was having a high self-confidence day. I was wearing a super cute dress and my hair was in a cute up-do. I was just, rockin’ it. 

We pulled up to the “meet spot” and waited…Walking toward us was this short guy with shaggy, wavy hair, wearing a hoodie in the summer. “Uh, nothing extraordinary, oh well”, I thought to myself. 

He hopped into the car and Shawna introduced us, “Robbie, this is my bestest friend, Sarah. Sarah, Robbie.” 

We exchanged the normal, “Hi, nice to meet you”, and went to Shawna’s place to smoke a bowl before dropping him off. I caught him looking at me a few times as we passed the pipe around, but I didn’t pay it much mind. Like I said before, I looked amazing that day. After we were high as birds, we dropped him off downtown near some apartments and went about our day. 

A couple weeks later I got a message on Facebook messenger from Robbie. He said he was at my complex visiting friends and wanted to know if I wanted to hang out. 

Sure. Why not? 

Robbie came over and we smoked, laughed, and had a great time. He seemed to get cuter and cuter as he talked.

As it normally happens with me, he just never really left. He would leave for a couple days and then show up and stay for another couple days. 

I could tell Robbie was special, and before long, we became best friends. We talked about everything and anything and found we have a lot of the same beliefs and opinions on various things. Soon after he started staying with me, the cuddling began. We both craved it so much that we decided cuddling together was an obvious solution. 

I began looking forward to bedtime when he would hold me close, and we would fall asleep in each other’s arms. I didn’t even mind when he snored in my ear. 

We remained “just friends” for about 6 months. I told him that I was in love with him, and he told me he loved me too and that I meant the world to him. 

We have been together ever since. 

Back in November, my mother moved in with me. She has stage 4 COPD and is on oxygen full time. She is also incredibly needy. We gave her the bedroom and we started sleeping in the living room. Robbie stepped up and started helping me take care of my mom, without being asked… He just did it. 

It’s also very hard for my mom and me to go up and down the stairs. Her, for obvious reasons, and me, because I need new knees. 

Robbie goes up and down the stairs about 100 times a day. He never complains, he just does it. He is so helpful at home, that mom and I won’t let him work. We take care of his needs because he is such a valuable asset to our family. In fact, Robbie has become family. 

Robbie and I have our moments, trust me. We are both stubborn as hell, and bull-headed. He takes up the whole bed when he sleeps, he burps loudly, has major anxiety issues and gets mad easily, but… for every flaw there are 10 wonderful things about him. 

No one else would go get me a slushie at midnight because I’m craving it, or rub my back when it hurts, wake me up with breakfast, or treat me like a princess, even when I’m grumpy. He is so concerned with my well-being, that every time I’m not feeling well he asks if I need to go to the hospital lol. He waits on my mama constantly, runs errands for us, but most importantly, he shows that he loves me every day. 

He’s amazing, and I feel like the luckiest woman on Earth to have him. 

I prayed to the universe to bring me someone, and the universe brought me Robbie. 

My spazzy elf…

Love, Your Bestie…

My best friend, Shawna, is amazing. She is an amazing person, friend, parent, and at the same time, she is the craziest person I have ever known. 

Which is why she is my best friend…

A little background for you…

If you have been following my life story, then you know my boyfriend Jason shot and killed himself on top of me January 22, 2020. Shawna is my boyfriend’s ex-wife. They have a daughter, Paizley, together. Because of this, we were civil with each other, but shortly after we met, Shawna and I became friends. 

The first time we spent any real time together, we shot intravenous drugs. Since then, we have gone through life and its many battles together as good friends growing stronger and stronger through each passing experience; including the loss of Jason and more importantly, the loss of Paizley’s dad.

We have become so close in fact, that I consider this woman family. Sadly, her dad passed away recently and we had his funeral today; only a couple days after her birthday; so, I want to tell you a little more about my friend Shawna…

Shawna used to think of herself first. She was never a bad person, she was just a little selfish.

Then I watched as this new person emerged. She started putting others’ feelings ahead of her own, especially her family. She faced her feelings and actions head on and took responsibility, which is an incredibly brave act. 

Most people don’t do this. 

Then she went even deeper.

She kept living her life this way. 

She kept living her life not only for herself, but also for her children.

Then Shawna hit the jackpot.

She met a wonderful man who is a good dad and financially stable, owns his own house and with a stable job. After dating for some time, they fell in love and moved in together in his house, making this a true Cinderella meets “Pretty Woman” story.

She is now so happy, and is one by one, regaining custody of her children, and living her life with love, and gratitude. 

I couldn’t be more proud of my beautiful, and vivacious friend. I love her so much, and I am proud to call her my best friend. 

Jason never defined us, or our friendship. We thought he did at one time, but he didn’t. 

We define ourselves. 

We will raise Paizley as a strong, independent woman and luckily, because of us, her dad will always be a hero to her.

Happy Birthday, my baby love, with many more to come. 

Love,

Your Bestie

I Have Shit To Say

Valuable Information or Just Crazy Ramblings: You Decide

I haven’t been publishing anything lately, actually nothing this year. I have written a million things. I begin talking about whatever subject I am thinking about at that given moment, and inevitably I stop. I either think its crap, or no one could possibly even care about what the fuck I have to say. 

The thing is, I do have something to say. I have a lot to say. I believe I am here on this planet to make a mark; to influence people in a way no one has before. 

Perhaps I have that bipolar trait where I believe I am more important than I truly am. Or, what if bipolar people truly have a message for the world. Who is anyone to say this isn’t true? 

We are only limited by our personal belief of what we are capable of. There is some debate as to whether Albert Einstein said these famous words… “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.” 

This is a powerful statement. However, if we never think outside the box, we are limiting ourselves. We know we are adaptable creatures. There is proof of human beings being capable of seemingly impossible feats, simply because their bodies put them in a position, and they had a need. Good examples are Helen Keller, Ray Charles, and Beethoven. So I wonder what would happen if we could tap into areas of our brain whenever we want to. Who says we are not capable? 

I believe we can literally do anything we can imagine. The power of belief is extraordinarily powerful. If human beings can tap into abilities by merely believing they can, imagine the possibilities. We could move mountains as well as heal ourselves and others. We could be smarter, faster, healthier in our bodies as well as our minds. 

Imagine that instead of a person with bipolar disorder being treated as a sick person, they were treated as someone with unique gifts meant to help humankind evolve, or assist in our ascending into a higher vibration of existence along with the planet. 

Just imagine. 

Let’s retrain our brains. Let’s make new habits in the way we think. This is so vital for continued human existence and moving forward in human evolution. There’s a name for using these mind-body maps, and training ourselves to go beyond what science has proven we can do. Neuroplasticity: the  ability of neural networks in the brain to change through growth and reorganization. These changes range from individual neuron pathways making new connections, to systematic adjustments like cortical remapping.

The only ones who can dictate what we are capable of, is us. 

So who says I can’t change the world? Not me. I believe I can and am working on it right now. Do you want to come with me on this ride? I sure hope so, because our world is changing drastically, right in front of us. Old ways of thinking are becoming obsolete. 

So where do we start? 

Meditation? Religion? Politics? Tai Chi? Yoga? 

I believe we need to link the body with the mind. The world continues to attempt to separate the body, mind, and soul. These things need to be linked. It’s vital. Find your connection to your ancestors, the planet, yourself, and the universe. However you need to do that, do it. 

Also, be mindful of what you ingest, the people you spend time with, the things which you find important.

Also, work your brain in different ways using neuroplasticity. Write with your less predominant hand, walk beginning with your less prominent foot, stand up straighter, learn about a new religion. 

Just learn. Think outside the box.

Think big. 

We will talk more about this. 

I’m back. 

Are You Ready?

Learning The New Spiritual Paradigm

I stumbled upon an article a couple of years ago on ascension. I had never heard of it. However, I had read “Seat of the Soul” by Gary Zukav and he had explained that humans all over the world are beginning to have multi-sensory perception; meaning that we are acquiring perception beyond the 5 senses. 

I have also read many other articles, books, and publications with similar information calling this ascension, the “Awakening” or the “Shift”. All of these are correct terms for this amazing new paradigm much of the world is beginning to embrace.

Paradigm shifts are hard. They are uncomfortable. This is because it changes belief systems that have been  ingrained in us for thousands of years. 

Early humans told stories of our creator being a female deity. Museums exhibit stone carvings of this goddess with a pregnant belly, which makes sense if we had limited knowledge of human procreation. This Spiritual paradigm lasted the longest, most scholars say it was a minimum of 20,000 years. 

Times definitely changed when men and women defined gender roles in their culture, and learned of the male role in procreation. This began a paradigm shift from the monotheistic view of a goddess, to polytheistic view of Goddesses and Gods. 

Fast forward about 5,000 years to a man named Abraham who brought the view of the deity to be male. This eventually became Judaism, and then with the birth of Christianity, began our Fourth Spiritual Paradigm shift. 

We are roughly about 2,000 years into this shift with the Fifth Shift happening right now. Not everyone is ready to hear about this. 

That’s okay.

If what I’m saying is pissing you off, this article isn’t for you. I am writing this because I know there are other people reading this who can feel the shift happening like I can. 

I know it’s uncomfortable. 

Our souls, or our “higher selves” already know about the shift. Unfortunately, the human brain only perceives 5% of information in the conscious mind, while the other 95% is perceived by the subconscious mind, also known as the soul. The 2 minds are not in alignment.

Our souls are arguing with our conscious minds. These arguments manifest in many ways both externally and internally, causing great discomfort. 

Externally, people began to see the misogyny in the current paradigm. It had become okay for there to be gender inequality, and people accepted it in the Fourth Paradigm. With “Father” God reigning, it was acceptable to block women from high ranks in religion, to keep women from having powerful roles in government, and all around, sexual discrimination was normal. 

Times have changed, and oh man, it’s been a hell of a ride. IT WILL NEVER BE COMFORTABLE TO GO AGAINST THOUSANDS OF YEARS OF PROGRAMMING. 

Beliefs are simply thoughts we keep thinking due to programming through our environment and culture. With that being said, it is entirely possible to retrain our brains. The Law of Attraction has taught us that. However, it’s not enough to simply repeat affirmations to ourselves, change our surroundings, and promote political and economical change. We have to believe that we are creating our reality through our thoughts, words, and actions. 

Our thoughts, words, and actions are the brain food forming our beliefs, and we have a choice as to what those beliefs are, and can change them as the universe is pushing humanity into a higher frequency of vibration, where our conscious minds become much more in tune to the connection between all living things, and the whole of the universe and Spirit. 

The hardest part of this shift is knowing what it is that we are supposed to do. Everyone is struggling with this. The world is in chaos which always accompanies a paradigm shift. Fear is a motivator for people to hold on to outdated beliefs. Fear is causing disease, mental illness, and fracture along religious, nationalistic, and racial lines. 

We are constantly focusing on changing external circumstances before changing ourselves. This is the opposite of how everything actually works. Until you make the inner shifts, nothing external can change. You just need to learn the right tools, tactics, and techniques for going about this. 

The good news is that there are people who have already ascended and these lightworkers are dedicating their lives to helping the rest of the world ascend, making this particular shift the most beautiful and enlightening of them all. 

I am working on compiling a list of ascension symptoms you may be experiencing, as well as a guide you can use to help you through your spiritual journey. I want to come from a place of love and inclusion because it’s your journey. I certainly don’t have all the answers for everyone, but my goal is to help bring understanding to what is happening so that you can form your own answers and manifest your best life. 

” Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them. “

The Spiral

I have recently had what some might call, a spiritual awakening. A series of strange occurrences took place which left me with more questions. Questions like, why me, why now, why this?

I asked someone who I admire and look up to, and they said, “why not you?”.

It’s obvious by looking at our world’s history that the way we have been looking at mental illness and addiction isn’t working. We have proof of that.

The “war on drugs” isn’t working, that’s  obvious because we are more addicted. There are more people suffering, more  families torn apart, more incarceration, more overdose and death since we imposed the war on drugs.

Mental illness goes along with the drug problem because the two often go hand in hand. Now we have also imposed the logic of the war on drugs into our relationships and daily lives and as a result, we are becoming more and more disconnected.

I heard recently that the opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety, the opposite of addiction is connection. Humans are social by nature, and when we don’t have healthy connections to each other, we form bonds with other things and sometimes those things aren’t healthy attachments. This form of connecting doesn’t stop at drug use; there are other forms like pornography, television, cellphones, along with various obsessive-compulsive behaviors people seem to get addicted to i.e. gambling, exercising, or cleaning.

I saw a Ted Talk recently about this exact issue. Johann Hari explains quite elegantly, that everything we think we know about addiction is wrong. He talks about the addicts in his life that he loves, and about how although it’s difficult, that he told them he wanted to deepen the connection with them. He told them he loves them whether they are using or not and if they needed him, he would sit with them so they aren’t alone.

Beautiful.

I first saw that Ted Talk in December 2019 with Jason and I knew it was something special. I believe that not only is everything we think we know about addiction wrong, but some of what we think we know about mental illness is wrong as well.

There has been so much progress in mental health over the past 50 years and we are definitely doing better; I’m not discounting all of that hard work and discovery. However, I can’t help but be bothered by a few important things.

When I was a little girl, mental illness showed itself for the first time in me through obsessive compulsive behavior. I washed my hands… ALOT. My mom freaked out. She has a degree in psychology, plus we have severe mental illness in our family genetics, so her first thought was, something is wrong with my baby.

My mom took me to see a psychiatrist who said it was no big deal. He said to buy me soap for sensitive skin and hand lotion and to tell me if I was going to wash my hands like that, then to use the special soap and lotion, and eventually I would stop, which I did. Seemed like solid advice to me…

I started thinking about the times we are in now and how although we are more aware of mental health issues, I’m concerned with the type of care people are receiving, and if it’s the best course of action to get the best possible outcome.

Sometimes, there is an actual imbalance in the brain, and medications are in fact needed. It has also been studied that trauma may in fact also lead to a change in our brain chemistry. The thing that frustrates me is that although sometimes medication is needed, its leaned on as a cure, when medication only suppresses symptoms. As of now, there is no cure for mental illness. We are left with symptoms we still have little understanding of.

I have been plagued with various mental illness symptoms varying in severity throughout my entire life.

Nothing really works. When it does work, it’s always short-lived. This brings me to think again, about human connections; and the fact that we are a more disconnected society than we have ever been, while problems with mental illness as well as addiction is on the rise.

I don’t think this is a coincidence.

Since I was given several mental health diagnosis, I have been looked at as crazy, over-emotional, spontaneous, anxious, the list goes on and on. What I need people to understand, is that when I began focusing on connecting with people on a soul level, many of my symptoms faded, some disappeared, and others became more manageable. I began to see my so-called problems and issues as a gift I have been given and began focusing my attention less on suppressing my symptoms, and more on how to tune in and listen. The results have been magical. I have been better equipped at facing whatever is making me feel uncomfortable, and finding ways to let it work for me, not against me.

I think a lot of this is well known to an extent, just not much is being done to improve our current system. With the expanding need for mental health and addiction services, people are often all put into the same categories, misdiagnosed, and given medication. When these approaches don’t work, the patient goes off of their meds, sometimes has psychotic episodes, hospitalized, stabilized, then they are expected to go right back into the system that failed them. That scenario is also a very mild one compared to how much pain and turmoil some mental breaks can cause so many people involved, not just the person in distress, but their loved ones, coworkers, medical professionals, police officers, teachers, etc.

I think it’s past time to try new approaches to these problems and see if something else works. I have a few ideas I plan to talk about in the future. Until then I just want people to start thinking about how our approach so far doesn’t work. I want people to think about what it is that makes them feel good, important, more alive. I think we need to start embracing that there are many different types of humans, each with unique gifts. Possibly, instead of suppressing what we obviously just don’t understand, why not try embracing these gifts, and focus more on social interaction, coping, and healing.

Just a thought…

The Blame Game

I have been having a problem since my boyfriend Jason died. My problem is that I have been unfairly blamed for his death. 

Being blamed has taken a toll on me because a part of me blames myself. During these moments, I luckily have some people I can confide in to set me straight. 

The morning Jason died he confided in me some very personal things that I will carry with me forever. The fact is, I knew him better than anyone. He could never truly be himself with anyone except me. The closest second would be his ex-wife Shawna and they were still good friends and she is now one of my best friends. 

One of the first conversations Jason and I ever had was an argument. I had said that I believe people come into our lives for a purpose. He agreed, but then added that the people in his life were there for him to use whatever they had to give. I was not impressed, and said I believe we are all supposed to give more than we take. 

He did however make a good point. He said that just because that is what we are supposed to do, people rarely do that. He said most people are selfish and are always looking out for number one. His outlook, was if he gave more than he took, he would always lose. 

He taught me something about boundaries but I didn’t really get it until he was gone. Now here I am, having been stuck in this weird twilight zone with people who thought they knew him, and knew nothing. 

When thinking about this today, I realized something even better. Although his words were different for everyone, one truth remained constant. He stayed with me. He chose me in ways that hurts some people and infuriates others, but he continued to choose me/us. 

I’m writing this because I want to say why I blame myself sometimes and also what sets me free. 

I blame myself because the morning he died he told me he was getting clean and going to rehab. He had planted a seed a couple weeks prior which he used to his advantage to get treatment quickly and in a town he hated. No one would suspect him to be there. He said he wanted to marry me on his birthday and then he would be safe in rehab. We were to get married on his birthday, February 8, 2020. 

At first I was just elated that he was serious about getting clean. After several minutes I revealed my doubts. I couldn’t simply forget about everything that had happened between us. He said, “You never have to worry again. I’m better when I’m married, ask Shawna.” She later affirmed that what he said was true. However, I was pissed and had a right to be. Jason pointed out that so many of our issues stemmed from drug abuse. I agreed. Unfortunately, I lost a lot because of the issues. 

At that point, Jason was all I had…

My mom, sister, mother-in-law, and kids wouldn’t have anything to do with me as long as I stayed with Jason. When I expressed my concerns he told me he would do whatever I wanted, then he fell asleep. 

This is where the blame comes in…

I made some biscuits and sat on the edge of the bed, eating and thinking about everything. I knew one thing. I was pissed. 

I sacrificed a lot for Jason, and he showed up that morning without my car. I got more and more mad. Finally, I woke him up demanding to know what had happened to my car. His behavior was erratic and he grabbed his gun and pointed it toward the living room threatening to kill my friend sleeping in there if I tried to leave him. 

Instead of seeing the actions of a desperate man, I told him I wouldn’t marry him. He pulled the trigger and was gone. Immediately, I blamed myself. 

What set me free is this… 

Couples fight and argue all the time. Couples struggle with substance abuse and mental illness. Most of the time, they don’t kill themselves over it. Especially if everything is okay within them. When he chose to put that gun to his head, he made a choice. No one can make us act or do anything. We all have free will. 

Since his death, I have been blamed. It has been a problem for me, but now I am at peace. Jason had taught me boundaries, which I was finally exercising, and Jason, made a split second decision. 

I wish I could bring him back for 10 minutes. Just to tell him how much I love him and appreciate him for the things he taught me. The most important things, I didn’t learn until he was gone. 

I am finally coming to a place where I don’t worry about him as much. I feel him all the time. Especially now that my stuff is in my new place. It’s like a bit of his energy is forever ingrained into my belongings. Sometimes I hear noises that cannot be explained, but I don’t need them to be. I know he’s here with me. I know he’s watching and protecting. I know that the horror show our relationship could be sometimes was because we had a drug problem and he is now free from that. 

When Jason comes to me in my dreams, sometimes it’s like he is alive again. We are usually going about a normal day. Inevitably, he walks into the room I’m in, and instead of saying, “Baby, do you want a shot of dope?”, he says, “My kids make me so proud. You make me so proud. Look at you, you’re so strong. Call your kids and tell them you love them.”  

Jason and Keith are proud of me, I can feel it. It feels good. I hate that so much tragedy has happened, but the best gift I have been given are the lessons I learned from these experiences. No one can know what it felt like to witness Jason take his own life. I thought the heartache would kill me in those first moments as he laid lifeless on top of me. 

I can’t erase it. I can only move forward from where I am now. 

I am holding onto truths that are absolute. I know what the truths are and Jason knows them. That is enough for me. People always want someone to blame for deaths like Jason’s. I can’t change how some people feel and don’t want to. If they need to blame me to feel free, so be it. I’m going to close my eyes, let the love from Jason and Keith envelop me, and for the first time in my life, enjoy total and absolute…

Freedom.

Southbound

I decided to get the hell out of Oklahoma for a while. I just needed a break, badly. I have a lot of family and a few friends in Georgia, so I hitched a ride with my Aunt and headed south. Now, I’m in a truck with my uncle and a few other fine people, on our way to Panama City Beach, Florida, or as some affectionately call it, the “redneck riviera”. 

I love the beach and the sounds of the ocean are so therapeutic to me, I often fall asleep after only a few moments. I feel like I made a good choice in going away.  I had the complete support of my mental health team, as well as my friends. My Oklahoma family, not so much.  I know they just worry about me, but I hate to say a lot of it is just plain old selfishness. I’m sorry, but if anyone deserves a little rest and relaxation, it’s this girl right here.  

So, I refuse to feel guilty about this trip. I’m gonna kick my feet up on my uncle Mark’s $45,000 truck dash, and ride in style all the way to the fucking beach. 

Peace y’all!

Alligator at a gas station in Alabama
Lunch!

A Bond By Tragedy

 I have been dealing with so much trauma, and I am having a hard time processing it. 

It’s so strange how one can be surrounded by loving, supportive people, and still feel completely alone in the world.  

About 2 weeks after Jason died, I had a meltdown that was pretty severe. I was hyperventilating, panicking.  I said, “I just want to talk to someone who has been through this. Because I don’t know how to do this.” My mama softly said, “Your grandma.” 

My grandma has been gone for 17 years, but the moment my mom reminded me of my grandmother’s history, I began to calm down.  My grandfather died by suicide when my mama was 8 years old. Years after his death, my grandmother had a boyfriend who also died by suicude. She went through it twice, and she made it through.

I feel a connection to her that I didn’t have before. Like we’re in a club that no one wants to join, but here we are. 

I still don’t understand how this could happen twice, as I’m sure my grandma didn’t understand either.  My grandma and I are different in the way that she never discussed anything with us about her husband, or her boyfriend. She never remarried, and did not date. She gave that up. 

It helps me to talk about it. It helps me to process what has happened, and trying to understand the effects the trauma has on me. I get overwhelmed easily, I can’t handle loud noises, I have vivid nightmares. Honestly, there are too many symptoms to name them all. I’m clean from drugs, and looking at situations while clean, is a whole new experience. I have to face the situation now. 

The truth is, I know I hold the key to my happiness. It is all up to me what happens. We stray from our path sometimes, and bad things and tragedies happen as a result. I have to start caring about Sarah more than I care about others. 

I feel selfish typing that last line. However, if I don’t practice self- care, I’m not capable of being good for anyone. My grandma picked herself up, and made an arrangement with Mama to live together and help raise me and my sister. I had 19 years of being raised by those 2 vivacious women.  My Grandma put everything she had into her family. It kept her focus on something else, rather than the tragedies of her past. 

I looked up at the night sky and talked to my grandma, and I feel she is telling me to put my focus on my family. They will help me get through this.

I’m not really alone…

There are a couple things I will do differently than my grandma. First, I am going to face these traumatic experiences head on. Also, I won’t turn my back on the possibility of finding love again. I love being in love. I truly hope it happens again one day. Until then, I need to focus on my family, and practicing self-care. 

I totally got this. 

It’s All Happening

The world has been put in a huge time out, and although this worldwide pandemic is scary, a time out is something I think we needed.

It’s natural to take for granted the things that were so common just a few months ago. Activities like, going out to eat, going to a movie theater or shopping for fun were simply a part of daily life. In a very short time span, life as we knew it changed completely. It seems as if Kurt Vonnegut or George Orwell might have been onto something when they wrote about a post apocalyptic dystopian society.

Many people, myself included, believe the planet has been experiencing a major energy shift and many also think we are at the end of days. I think both are absolutely correct.

I don’t believe however, that the end times we are facing are anything like the traditional or biblical apocalypse.

To understand what is happening to our world, you first need to see our planet as a living thing with its own consciousness. Earth began its energy shift toward a higher frequency of vibration around 1960. Although the shift is ultimately, a positive occurrence, it has been difficult to see it that way because of the increases in unpleasantness like war, murder, crime, illness, etc.

It’s vital to note that because the Earth is living and has a collective consciousness, the planet must purge itself of negativity in order to evolve into a higher and more positive vibrational frequency.

Are we in the end times?

Yes, in a way…

We are knee-deep in a major shift that will change the planet, its inhabitors and by extension, the universe.

If the inhabitors of this planet are not evolving along with the collective consciousness of the planet, then then the universe will begin to take control of shit.

Unfortunately, when the universe takes control for the greater good, sacrifices must be made. It’s difficult for people to understand this because of the tragedies and chaos that sacrifice bestows upon the human race.

The easiest way to understand all of this, is to look at the universe as a family. Earth is our mother, and we have been very naughty children who are now in a time out.

This is not a bad thing.

Ultimately, Earth is going to have a major comeback, but it takes time. As humans merely renting space here on this planet, it is our job to take care of her and listen to what she says. If we don’t listen, then Mama will knock some sense into humanity.

Energy sensitive people out there feel that what I am saying is true. For all of you who are not sensitive to the Earths ascension, know that with the evolution of the planet comes the evolution of humans. Our purpose is becoming increasingly clearer as well as our individual intentions.

So, what can you do? How do you survive this amazing transformation of mind, body and spirit?

Well, even more than usual, the ever powerful Law of Attraction is your key to happiness and should be your guide as you navigate this crazy life. If you are a negative person, do harm to yourself or others, than you can expect negativity in return.

Positive energy combined with love and other actions which serve the planets ascension will bring you happiness.

The law of attraction has been and will always be the major key, but its effects are multiplied at this time.

So, it’s up to you…

Is the state of the world a blessing or a curse? You can decide for yourself to either aid in this powerful transformation toward the good of the collective consciousness, or you can be miserable. Either way, the universe is going to do the damn thing!

So let’s learn from all of this craziness. It’s time to wake up people.

A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions.

Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.