Yay for Social Security!


So I have excellent news… I finally received my first social security disability payment! It couldn’t have come at a better time. Yesterday was my boyfriend’s birthday and we were flat broke. He went to Ihop for free breakfast and gave it to me because I hadn’t eaten in 24 hours. He went to Firehouse Subs for a free sandwich for lunch and split it with me. We were both feeling pretty crappy and then he suggested I check my bank account since I’m expecting disability any time. Well, I didn’t think it would be there. I assumed I would receive an award letter first. Plus I just checked the social security website a few days ago, crickets… I called the bank ready for disappointment, instead I was shocked and thrilled to find actual funds in my bank account. So we ate, and then ate some more. It’s a beautiful thing. I don’t want pity, I just wanted to be recognized as disabled. Finally I have that. So to any of you out there struggling with social security, DO NOT GIVE UP. I started this whole adventure in 2013! It took 6 years. Ridiculous, yes, but finally my hard work and patience paid off. Keep at it. It gets better.

My Husband’s Suicide



This is something I have been waiting for the right time to write about. It’s hard to go back to that day. Every time I tell the story it takes me there. I can still feel the dread as the sun went down and he had been missing for hours. I knew something was wrong…

It was October 23, 2017. I woke up in a panic, I had overslept. I got ready as fast as I could, I had 45 minutes to be at the church. Keith was quiet which wasn’t odd for him. He was often quiet. He had bipolar I disorder, the most severe. I usually did a check-in with him in the morning. I asked him how he was feeling and if he had anything he wanted to tell me. He was usually pretty honest. He would tell me if he was thinking about suicide. He had had 3 suicide attempts in his life and I had been present for the second and came home and found him the third time. I had no warnings then I don’t know why I thought I would get one again, but I did. I didn’t check in that day. A decision that still haunts me. I didn’t even have time for our ritualistic hug and kiss before I ran out the door. I patted him on the top of his head and said, ” I love you, I’ll see you later.” He said, “Bye dear.” That was it, the last words we ever spoke to one another.

The class I was facilitating ended at 2:00. I stayed late to clean up from the food and visit with a few people. I called Keith to let him know I would be late but he didn’t answer. I drove home thinking what a beautiful day it was and that I should see if Keith wanted to go to the park and read, maybe take the dog. I walked into the apartment, it was still and quiet. I didn’t get my usual greeting at the door from him or the dog. I walked to the bedroom and the dog was in his kennel. I thought maybe Keith had gone for a walk. His cell phone was sitting on the kitchen counter, I just rolled my eyes. He often forgot it although he had gotten better about it. It bothered me that he didn’t leave a note, he always left a note. I waited about 30 minutes and when he didn’t show up I started making phone calls. I called his mom, dad and case manager with the facility that provided his mental healthcare. No one had seen him or heard from him.

I tried not to panic that afternoon as time rolled on. I got in my car and drove around looking for him. He would be unmistakable. He was 6’4″ and very thin and had a particular gait. I couldn’t find him. I was starting to panic. It was after 4:00. Keith’s mom decided to talk to the police. They said they would send someone out to my apartment soon. When it got dark I was a wreck. Where could he be? I knew he was on foot because I had the only car. He should have been back. My mom came over and then Keith’s dad. We all knew something was wrong but no one wanted to let our thoughts go to the worst possible thing. I put a chair out by the curb in the parking lot and sat watching the street so I could see him if he walked up. He never came.

The police showed up about 1:00 am. There was a lot of them so I knew it couldn’t be good news. We went inside and I sat in Keith’s chair, the one he was in the last time I saw him. The chaplain began telling me about a man earlier in the day that had jumped off of the bridge over the creek turnpike off of Yale Ave., and then he dropped the bombshell. The man was my husband. He had walked about 5 miles to that bridge. All I remember next was Keith’s mom on the ground in front of me holding onto me for dear life and not being able to believe what I had just heard. I even asked the chaplain if Keith was dead. It just wouldn’t register in my mind that he was gone.

The police followed us across town to Keith’s dad’s house and the police told him. He had left my house earlier in the night to get some sleep. I couldn’t go home. How could I? Keith’s shoes were by the door. His dictionary was by the couch where he could look up words quickly throughout the day. His toothbrush was in the holder in the bathroom. Traces of him were everywhere because he was still there, but he wasn’t. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that I would never see him again. I couldn’t be there. I went to my sister’s house to stay with her for a few days.

My life as I knew it ended that day. I knew I would never be the same. It wasn’t until I met my current boyfriend that I began moving toward a new life. I’m grateful for that. The pain I have endured during my life with Keith in trying to keep him alive and the pain of losing him was almost too much to bear. I miss him a lot. I’m sure I always will. He is ok now though I am certain of that. It is the ones left behind that continue to suffer…

18 Things I Would Rather Do Than Spend Another Day Stuck In My House


1. Take shots of habanero sauce.

2. Put a needle through my eye ball.

3. Sit on a plane next to a telemarketer practicing their skit.

4. Have to pay for everything with Bitcoin.

5. Listen to “Gangnam Style” on a loop.

6. Be on a train that has derailed.

7. Sit in a public bathroom.

8. Talk about my feelings with my ex-husband.

9. Go base jumping ( I’m scared of heights ).

10. Stand in line for the bathroom next to a water fountain.

11. Read Kafka.

12. Read War & Peace.

13. Stuck in the car with The Wiggles while they sing ” toot toot chugga chugga big red car”.

14. Watch Elmo in Grouchland in a room with 50 crying toddlers.

15. Write a list about lists.

16. Read a list about lists.

17. Be locked up in a psych ward playing cards with Michael Myers.

18. Eat chitlins.

A Big Nasty Rut


So I am officially in a rut. A life-rut. My world has become so small and it seems so insignificant. What am I doing? Nothing. Every day I do the same thing. Nothing. It’s exhausting doing nothing. I never have energy. Recently I was asked by my therapist, “what are your goals?” Hmmm… I can’t decide what to eat 99% of the time. I have no fucking clue what my goals are. My number one goal as of right this second, is to get out of the house. It will happen come hell or high water or else I will be hanging my boyfriend up by his toes. If that happens I will be sure to take pictures.

My life-rut has a soundtrack. Ani DiFranco being number one. She speaks to me. It’s like there is a little window into my soul that she peeks into and then writes her songs based on what she sees in there. It’s cool when you connect to a form of art in a way that rocks you to your core. This is my latest Ani song that gets me…

Grey

My affirmation for the day is… I WILL GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE. Even if it’s to the devils house (Wal-Mart). I am outta here! Stay classy Tulsa.

A Thousand Eyes Will Smolder With Jealousy While You Are Just Flying Past

Watch Video

Squint your eyes and look closer
I’m not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
And I’m beyond your peripheral vision
So you might want to turn your head
‘Cause someday you are gonna get hungry
And eat most of the words you just said
Both my parents taught me about good will
And I have done well by their names
Just the kindness I’ve lavished on strangers
Is more than I can explain
Still there’s many who’ve turned out their porch lights
Just so I would think they were not home
And hid in the dark of their windows
Till I’d passed and left them alone
God help you if you are an ugly girl
‘Cause too pretty is also your doom
‘Cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
For the prettiest girl in the room
And god help you if you are a phoenix
And you dare to rise up from the ash
A thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
While you are just flying past
And I’ve never tried to give my life meaning
By demeaning you
And I would like to state for the record
I did everything that I could do
I’m not saying that I’m a saint
I just don’t wanna live that way
No, I will never be a saint
But I will always say
Squint your eyes and look closer
I’m not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
And I’m beyond your peripheral vision
So you might wanna turn your head
‘Cause someday you might find you’re starving
And eating all of the words you said
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Ani Difranco

Get A Firm Grip Girl, Before You Let Go


Anticipate

Ani DiFranco

You are subtle as a window pane
Standing in my view
But I will wait for it to rain
So that I can see you
You call me up at night
When there’s no light passing through
And you think that I don’t understand
But I do

We don’t say everything
That we could
So that we can say later
Oh, you misunderstood
I hold my cards up
Close to my chest
I say what I have to
And I hold back the rest

‘Cause someone you don’t know
Is someone you don’t know
Get a firm grip, girl
Before you let go
For every hand extended
Another lies in wait
Keep your eye on that one
Anticipate

Dress down get out there
Pick a fight with the police
We will get it all on film
For the new release
Seems like everyone’s an actor
Or they’re an actor’s best friend
I wonder what was wrong to begin with
That they should all have to pretend

We lost sight of everything
When we have to keep checking our backs
I think we should all just smile
Come clean and relax

But he says, someone you don’t know
Is someone you don’t know
Get a firm grip, girl
Before you let go
For every hand extended
Another lies in wait
Keep your eye on that one
Anticipate

If there’s anything I’ve learned
All these years on my own
It’s how to find my own way there
Find my own way
My own way, my own way, my own way, my own way
My own way, my own way, my own way, my own way
My own way, my own way, my own way, my own way
My own way

You are subtle as a window pane
Standing in my view
But I will wait for it to rain
So that I can see you
You call me up at night
When there’s no light passing through
And you think that I don’t understand
But I do

Someone you don’t know
Is someone you don’t know
Get a firm grip, girl
Before you let go
For every hand extended
Another lies in wait
Keep your eye on that one
Anticipate

The Forgetting Is What Defines Me


Dilate

Ani DiFranco

Life used to be life-like
Now it’s more like show biz
I wake up in the night
And I don’t know where the bathroom is
And I don’t know what town I’m in
Or what sky I am under
And I wake up in the darkness and I
Don’t have the will anymore to wonder
Everyone has a skeleton
And a closet to keep it in
And you’re mine
Every song has a you
A you that the singer sings to
And you’re it this time
Baby, you’re it this timeWhen I need to wipe my face
I use the back of my hand
And I like to take up space
Just because I can
And I use my dress
To wipe up my drink
I care less and less
What people think
And you are so lame
You always disappoint me
It’s kinda like our running joke
But it’s really not funny
I just want you to live up to
The image of you I create
I see you and I’m so unsatisfied
I see you and I dilateSo I’ll walk the plank and I’ll jump with a smile
If I’m gonna go down
I’m gonna do it with style
And you won’t see me surrender
You won’t hear me confess
‘Cause you’ve left me with nothing
But I’ve worked with less
And I learn every room long enough
To make it to the door
And then I hear it click shut behind me
And every key works differently
I forget every time
And the forgetting defines me
That’s what defines meWhen I say you sucked my brain out
The english translation
Is I am in love with you
And it is no fun
But I don’t use words like love
‘Cause words like that don’t matter
But don’t look so offended
You know, you should be flattered
And I wake up in the night
In some big hotel bed
My hands grope for the light
My hands grope for my head
The world is my oyster
The road is my home
And I know that I’m better
Off alone