The Spiral

I have recently had what some might call, a spiritual awakening. A series of strange occurrences took place which left me with more questions. Questions like, why me, why now, why this?

I asked someone who I admire and look up to, and they said, “why not you?”.

It’s obvious by looking at our world’s history that the way we have been looking at mental illness and addiction isn’t working. We have proof of that.

The “war on drugs” isn’t working, that’s  obvious because we are more addicted. There are more people suffering, more  families torn apart, more incarceration, more overdose and death since we imposed the war on drugs.

Mental illness goes along with the drug problem because the two often go hand in hand. Now we have also imposed the logic of the war on drugs into our relationships and daily lives and as a result, we are becoming more and more disconnected.

I heard recently that the opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety, the opposite of addiction is connection. Humans are social by nature, and when we don’t have healthy connections to each other, we form bonds with other things and sometimes those things aren’t healthy attachments. This form of connecting doesn’t stop at drug use; there are other forms like pornography, television, cellphones, along with various obsessive-compulsive behaviors people seem to get addicted to i.e. gambling, exercising, or cleaning.

I saw a Ted Talk recently about this exact issue. Johann Hari explains quite elegantly, that everything we think we know about addiction is wrong. He talks about the addicts in his life that he loves, and about how although it’s difficult, that he told them he wanted to deepen the connection with them. He told them he loves them whether they are using or not and if they needed him, he would sit with them so they aren’t alone.

Beautiful.

I first saw that Ted Talk in December 2019 with Jason and I knew it was something special. I believe that not only is everything we think we know about addiction wrong, but some of what we think we know about mental illness is wrong as well.

There has been so much progress in mental health over the past 50 years and we are definitely doing better; I’m not discounting all of that hard work and discovery. However, I can’t help but be bothered by a few important things.

When I was a little girl, mental illness showed itself for the first time in me through obsessive compulsive behavior. I washed my hands… ALOT. My mom freaked out. She has a degree in psychology, plus we have severe mental illness in our family genetics, so her first thought was, something is wrong with my baby.

My mom took me to see a psychiatrist who said it was no big deal. He said to buy me soap for sensitive skin and hand lotion and to tell me if I was going to wash my hands like that, then to use the special soap and lotion, and eventually I would stop, which I did. Seemed like solid advice to me…

I started thinking about the times we are in now and how although we are more aware of mental health issues, I’m concerned with the type of care people are receiving, and if it’s the best course of action to get the best possible outcome.

Sometimes, there is an actual imbalance in the brain, and medications are in fact needed. It has also been studied that trauma may in fact also lead to a change in our brain chemistry. The thing that frustrates me is that although sometimes medication is needed, its leaned on as a cure, when medication only suppresses symptoms. As of now, there is no cure for mental illness. We are left with symptoms we still have little understanding of.

I have been plagued with various mental illness symptoms varying in severity throughout my entire life.

Nothing really works. When it does work, it’s always short-lived. This brings me to think again, about human connections; and the fact that we are a more disconnected society than we have ever been, while problems with mental illness as well as addiction is on the rise.

I don’t think this is a coincidence.

Since I was given several mental health diagnosis, I have been looked at as crazy, over-emotional, spontaneous, anxious, the list goes on and on. What I need people to understand, is that when I began focusing on connecting with people on a soul level, many of my symptoms faded, some disappeared, and others became more manageable. I began to see my so-called problems and issues as a gift I have been given and began focusing my attention less on suppressing my symptoms, and more on how to tune in and listen. The results have been magical. I have been better equipped at facing whatever is making me feel uncomfortable, and finding ways to let it work for me, not against me.

I think a lot of this is well known to an extent, just not much is being done to improve our current system. With the expanding need for mental health and addiction services, people are often all put into the same categories, misdiagnosed, and given medication. When these approaches don’t work, the patient goes off of their meds, sometimes has psychotic episodes, hospitalized, stabilized, then they are expected to go right back into the system that failed them. That scenario is also a very mild one compared to how much pain and turmoil some mental breaks can cause so many people involved, not just the person in distress, but their loved ones, coworkers, medical professionals, police officers, teachers, etc.

I think it’s past time to try new approaches to these problems and see if something else works. I have a few ideas I plan to talk about in the future. Until then I just want people to start thinking about how our approach so far doesn’t work. I want people to think about what it is that makes them feel good, important, more alive. I think we need to start embracing that there are many different types of humans, each with unique gifts. Possibly, instead of suppressing what we obviously just don’t understand, why not try embracing these gifts, and focus more on social interaction, coping, and healing.

Just a thought…

A Bond By Tragedy

 I have been dealing with so much trauma, and I am having a hard time processing it. 

It’s so strange how one can be surrounded by loving, supportive people, and still feel completely alone in the world.  

About 2 weeks after Jason died, I had a meltdown that was pretty severe. I was hyperventilating, panicking.  I said, “I just want to talk to someone who has been through this. Because I don’t know how to do this.” My mama softly said, “Your grandma.” 

My grandma has been gone for 17 years, but the moment my mom reminded me of my grandmother’s history, I began to calm down.  My grandfather died by suicide when my mama was 8 years old. Years after his death, my grandmother had a boyfriend who also died by suicude. She went through it twice, and she made it through.

I feel a connection to her that I didn’t have before. Like we’re in a club that no one wants to join, but here we are. 

I still don’t understand how this could happen twice, as I’m sure my grandma didn’t understand either.  My grandma and I are different in the way that she never discussed anything with us about her husband, or her boyfriend. She never remarried, and did not date. She gave that up. 

It helps me to talk about it. It helps me to process what has happened, and trying to understand the effects the trauma has on me. I get overwhelmed easily, I can’t handle loud noises, I have vivid nightmares. Honestly, there are too many symptoms to name them all. I’m clean from drugs, and looking at situations while clean, is a whole new experience. I have to face the situation now. 

The truth is, I know I hold the key to my happiness. It is all up to me what happens. We stray from our path sometimes, and bad things and tragedies happen as a result. I have to start caring about Sarah more than I care about others. 

I feel selfish typing that last line. However, if I don’t practice self- care, I’m not capable of being good for anyone. My grandma picked herself up, and made an arrangement with Mama to live together and help raise me and my sister. I had 19 years of being raised by those 2 vivacious women.  My Grandma put everything she had into her family. It kept her focus on something else, rather than the tragedies of her past. 

I looked up at the night sky and talked to my grandma, and I feel she is telling me to put my focus on my family. They will help me get through this.

I’m not really alone…

There are a couple things I will do differently than my grandma. First, I am going to face these traumatic experiences head on. Also, I won’t turn my back on the possibility of finding love again. I love being in love. I truly hope it happens again one day. Until then, I need to focus on my family, and practicing self-care. 

I totally got this. 

Life Is Ticking By

I have been really bad about taking time to just relax, write, and just be me lately. I’m always worried now-a- days.

The entire world is worried right now with this crazy pandemic. My sister and I respectfully insisted our mother quit her job. She has stage 4 COPD, and was a cashier at Walmart. So really, there was no way in hell we were letting her go back.

I’m glad it wasn’t too difficult to convince her to quit because man, it would have gotten ugly. She couldn’t get by me anyway, I’m twice her size. Plus she can’t breathe.

Easiest fight ever

Other than surviving this pandemic, my focus has continued to be on my grief and how to manage the incredibly invasive thoughts and memories flooding my brain on a constant basis.

I made a video about me, Jason, and his suicide. It was difficult to make, but oddly therapeutic. I posted it on Facebook, and at first I was really nervous about that. I was surprised that I was met with such compassion and understanding. I would like to share it with you all now.

My goal is to bring more awareness of the effects of mental illness and suicide to save lives. Please share this.

**Tip: Turn up the volume. The songs should have played at his funeral, it’s what he wanted.

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