The Blame Game

I have been having a problem since my boyfriend Jason died. My problem is that I have been unfairly blamed for his death. 

Being blamed has taken a toll on me because a part of me blames myself. During these moments, I luckily have some people I can confide in to set me straight. 

The morning Jason died he confided in me some very personal things that I will carry with me forever. The fact is, I knew him better than anyone. He could never truly be himself with anyone except me. The closest second would be his ex-wife Shawna and they were still good friends and she is now one of my best friends. 

One of the first conversations Jason and I ever had was an argument. I had said that I believe people come into our lives for a purpose. He agreed, but then added that the people in his life were there for him to use whatever they had to give. I was not impressed, and said I believe we are all supposed to give more than we take. 

He did however make a good point. He said that just because that is what we are supposed to do, people rarely do that. He said most people are selfish and are always looking out for number one. His outlook, was if he gave more than he took, he would always lose. 

He taught me something about boundaries but I didn’t really get it until he was gone. Now here I am, having been stuck in this weird twilight zone with people who thought they knew him, and knew nothing. 

When thinking about this today, I realized something even better. Although his words were different for everyone, one truth remained constant. He stayed with me. He chose me in ways that hurts some people and infuriates others, but he continued to choose me/us. 

I’m writing this because I want to say why I blame myself sometimes and also what sets me free. 

I blame myself because the morning he died he told me he was getting clean and going to rehab. He had planted a seed a couple weeks prior which he used to his advantage to get treatment quickly and in a town he hated. No one would suspect him to be there. He said he wanted to marry me on his birthday and then he would be safe in rehab. We were to get married on his birthday, February 8, 2020. 

At first I was just elated that he was serious about getting clean. After several minutes I revealed my doubts. I couldn’t simply forget about everything that had happened between us. He said, “You never have to worry again. I’m better when I’m married, ask Shawna.” She later affirmed that what he said was true. However, I was pissed and had a right to be. Jason pointed out that so many of our issues stemmed from drug abuse. I agreed. Unfortunately, I lost a lot because of the issues. 

At that point, Jason was all I had…

My mom, sister, mother-in-law, and kids wouldn’t have anything to do with me as long as I stayed with Jason. When I expressed my concerns he told me he would do whatever I wanted, then he fell asleep. 

This is where the blame comes in…

I made some biscuits and sat on the edge of the bed, eating and thinking about everything. I knew one thing. I was pissed. 

I sacrificed a lot for Jason, and he showed up that morning without my car. I got more and more mad. Finally, I woke him up demanding to know what had happened to my car. His behavior was erratic and he grabbed his gun and pointed it toward the living room threatening to kill my friend sleeping in there if I tried to leave him. 

Instead of seeing the actions of a desperate man, I told him I wouldn’t marry him. He pulled the trigger and was gone. Immediately, I blamed myself. 

What set me free is this… 

Couples fight and argue all the time. Couples struggle with substance abuse and mental illness. Most of the time, they don’t kill themselves over it. Especially if everything is okay within them. When he chose to put that gun to his head, he made a choice. No one can make us act or do anything. We all have free will. 

Since his death, I have been blamed. It has been a problem for me, but now I am at peace. Jason had taught me boundaries, which I was finally exercising, and Jason, made a split second decision. 

I wish I could bring him back for 10 minutes. Just to tell him how much I love him and appreciate him for the things he taught me. The most important things, I didn’t learn until he was gone. 

I am finally coming to a place where I don’t worry about him as much. I feel him all the time. Especially now that my stuff is in my new place. It’s like a bit of his energy is forever ingrained into my belongings. Sometimes I hear noises that cannot be explained, but I don’t need them to be. I know he’s here with me. I know he’s watching and protecting. I know that the horror show our relationship could be sometimes was because we had a drug problem and he is now free from that. 

When Jason comes to me in my dreams, sometimes it’s like he is alive again. We are usually going about a normal day. Inevitably, he walks into the room I’m in, and instead of saying, “Baby, do you want a shot of dope?”, he says, “My kids make me so proud. You make me so proud. Look at you, you’re so strong. Call your kids and tell them you love them.”  

Jason and Keith are proud of me, I can feel it. It feels good. I hate that so much tragedy has happened, but the best gift I have been given are the lessons I learned from these experiences. No one can know what it felt like to witness Jason take his own life. I thought the heartache would kill me in those first moments as he laid lifeless on top of me. 

I can’t erase it. I can only move forward from where I am now. 

I am holding onto truths that are absolute. I know what the truths are and Jason knows them. That is enough for me. People always want someone to blame for deaths like Jason’s. I can’t change how some people feel and don’t want to. If they need to blame me to feel free, so be it. I’m going to close my eyes, let the love from Jason and Keith envelop me, and for the first time in my life, enjoy total and absolute…

Freedom.