A Bond By Tragedy

 I have been dealing with so much trauma, and I am having a hard time processing it. 

It’s so strange how one can be surrounded by loving, supportive people, and still feel completely alone in the world.  

About 2 weeks after Jason died, I had a meltdown that was pretty severe. I was hyperventilating, panicking.  I said, “I just want to talk to someone who has been through this. Because I don’t know how to do this.” My mama softly said, “Your grandma.” 

My grandma has been gone for 17 years, but the moment my mom reminded me of my grandmother’s history, I began to calm down.  My grandfather died by suicide when my mama was 8 years old. Years after his death, my grandmother had a boyfriend who also died by suicude. She went through it twice, and she made it through.

I feel a connection to her that I didn’t have before. Like we’re in a club that no one wants to join, but here we are. 

I still don’t understand how this could happen twice, as I’m sure my grandma didn’t understand either.  My grandma and I are different in the way that she never discussed anything with us about her husband, or her boyfriend. She never remarried, and did not date. She gave that up. 

It helps me to talk about it. It helps me to process what has happened, and trying to understand the effects the trauma has on me. I get overwhelmed easily, I can’t handle loud noises, I have vivid nightmares. Honestly, there are too many symptoms to name them all. I’m clean from drugs, and looking at situations while clean, is a whole new experience. I have to face the situation now. 

The truth is, I know I hold the key to my happiness. It is all up to me what happens. We stray from our path sometimes, and bad things and tragedies happen as a result. I have to start caring about Sarah more than I care about others. 

I feel selfish typing that last line. However, if I don’t practice self- care, I’m not capable of being good for anyone. My grandma picked herself up, and made an arrangement with Mama to live together and help raise me and my sister. I had 19 years of being raised by those 2 vivacious women.  My Grandma put everything she had into her family. It kept her focus on something else, rather than the tragedies of her past. 

I looked up at the night sky and talked to my grandma, and I feel she is telling me to put my focus on my family. They will help me get through this.

I’m not really alone…

There are a couple things I will do differently than my grandma. First, I am going to face these traumatic experiences head on. Also, I won’t turn my back on the possibility of finding love again. I love being in love. I truly hope it happens again one day. Until then, I need to focus on my family, and practicing self-care. 

I totally got this. 

Confession Time


Listen Up

Confession time.

Recently, I broke up with my boyfriend, many of you know. What I haven’t been talking about is everything he has been doing to get me back.

He has been busting his ass proving himself worthy to be with me. The bad part in all of this, is his standing with my family.

They all hate him. I’m not exaggerating either. They really, truly hate him. In fact, if you mention his name in my mother-in-law’s presence, you see a physical reaction.

My family’s disdain for this man has kept me from telling them about what he’s been up to, which is unfair to him, I think.

Most women bitch to their girlfriends about their man troubles, but I bitch to my family. This was a bad idea. They only know the very worst of our relationship and hardly any of the good stuff.

I didn’t tell them how difficult I was and how I pushed him to the brink when I was irritated. I left out all the months he took care of me night and day when I couldn’t get out of the bed.

I understand everyone’s concerns, but last time I checked, I’m a grown ass woman. Its crazy for me to hide like a kid when I’m 37 years old.

I admit that Jason has his share of faults and has even put me in danger in the past. That no longer occurs. 

I have also noticed people are very accepting of my type of mental illness, but not as accepting of his type so much. Jason has PTSD and not just any form, his comes from fighting and unfortunately, killing for this country. 

He also has some attachment and abandonment issues. Combine his mental illness, my hard headedness and willingness to push him to the brink of insanity, and it’s been a recipe for disaster in the past. 

We have learned how to handle each other in certain situations and the danger factor is no longer present. 

An argument I get a lot from my mom and mother-in-law, is how they can’t see his good qualities. To be fair, neither of them are ever around him. Their accounts of his behavior are based solely on me. I am not always a reliable source, especially when my emotions are involved. 

I am around him every day. I see his good qualities all the time. Not only is that a fact, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t matter if they see his good qualities or not. I do. I’m the one in a relationship with him and if I see his good qualities and want to have him near me, that is my choice. Period 

We are working this out, and it’s what I want.